vagina is talking i cant
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
