just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
