Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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