The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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