Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
