Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
two words: eviction party
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
