I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
