I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize