Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
