he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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