Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
