Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
