Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
