You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
