His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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