Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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