I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
