If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
