insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
