My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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