so explain again why im purple
no
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
