i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
