i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
