btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
