We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
