Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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