the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
