i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
