yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
