I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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