I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All the doctor said was why
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
