if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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