Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
