this beer tastes like vomit already
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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