remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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