and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize