I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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