He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the condom got lost in my hair
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
