Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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