The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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