4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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