i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
