just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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