Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
