it hurts more in the daytime
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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