maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
