and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
