Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
