alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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