I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
