why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Panties = found
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