Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
