It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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