i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
