I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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