Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
