direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
