I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
